Fix Yourself to Fix Your Marriage

Countless studies have shown that “lack of commitment” is the leading cause of divorce in the United States. And according to the National Library of Medicine, 66% of men and 74% of women think their partners should have worked harder to save the marriage. 75% of marriages that end in divorce can be saved if the couple puts in the effort to fix themselves and fix their marriage. The sad statistics of lost love have a direct correlation to individuals who refused to put in the work and heal.

Knowing yourself personally is something that needs to happen at every stage of life. Without knowing yourself you’ll never fully know your partner. And if we don’t show up as the best versions of ourselves, we can never expect our partners to show up as their best selves. As we move through life we inevitably collect insecurities, traumas, and habits that may be detrimental to relationships. They may be conscious or unconscious, but when both partners work on fixing the damaged parts of themselves, amazing things happen in relationships. 

The Inner-Self

We are ever evolving creatures and with that comes constant reevaluation. Going back to the basics of relearning who you are and how you have evolved over time is so important. The process of self discovery can be different for everyone. Reflecting on your characteristics, shadow traits, goals, and  desires are a great place to start. Psychologists say that the illumination of our daimon (or ”true self”) is the ultimate goal of self-discovery. The “true self” is defined as “the central inner force common to all human beings and yet unique to each, which is the deep source of growth… [that is] free, healthy development in accordance with the potentials of one’s generic and individual nature.” Discovering your inner-self requires a lot of authentic self-awareness; it’s a demanding yet rewarding process. Here are some great methods to debunk your evolving inner self. 

1. Begin Journaling. Journaling is a great way to have an honest conversation with yourself. It allows us to explore our own mind, reflect, and discover things about ourselves we may not have known otherwise. “Numerous studies show that journaling can help with everything from boosting your own emotional awareness to increasing your mental well-being.” One study proved less depressive symptoms and anxiety after one month of journaling along with greater resilience after the first and second month. Developing our self-awareness and resilience is pivotal for our self discovery and personal healing. Below are some journal prompts to build a better you and a lasting love. 

• What are your core values? Describe how they are reflected in your relationship? 
• What does your ideal marriage look like? Are you being the partner you envision for this ideal marriage? 
• What easily triggers emotions in you? What might be the deeper reason for this sensitivity? 
• Are there any lingering past issues that went unresolved that you or your partner need to apologize for or work to repair? 
• When conflict arises, are you working with or against your partner? If you’re working against them, how can you begin working with them? 
• Are you offering your authentic self to your partner? If not, what’s holding you back? 

2. Fall in love with yourself, spoil yourself, date yourself. It’s easy to lose yourself in your relationship. We pick up the hobbies and interests of our significant other without even realizing it. Mutual interests are great, but ensuring our sense of self is preserved is invaluable. And as we change throughout life, so do our interests and hobbies. Below are a few ideas to determine what you enjoy in this new stage of your life.

• Participate in an activity that you’ve never experienced, push yourself out of your comfort zone
• Take yourself on a dinner date to a restaurant you’ve never tried, or perhaps a food your significant other doesn’t appreciate 
• Set time aside each month to nurture relationships outside of your marriage- relationships that fill your soul, preferably 
• Take a course, learn something new that is out of your typical realm
• Travel to a new destination, or maybe just a stay-cation somewhere local. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? 

3. Enhance your love maps. What exactly are love maps?  Think of it this way: when you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map of your inner world. It is essentially a tool to help you better understand what’s going on inside, and what makes you, you. Your inner world holds memories of your past, exact details of your present, your sexual desires, and all the other aspects of you that make you so unique. Keeping an updated and detailed love map of yourself and your partner is pivotal for a deep understanding of your relationship. They are formed through communication, curiosity, vulnerability and trust. Here’s how to enhance you and your partners’ love maps.

• Ask the questions, this is important for self reflection and just because you’ve been with a person for a period of time doesn’t mean you know them as they are today, just like we are evolving, so are our partners. Never stop learning more about yourself and your partner. 
• Have a conversation about life. What was your childhood like? Critical moments that shaped you? Did you enjoy highschool? Where were you born? Do you still have triggers from the past? 
• Travel to important locations, paint the picture to your partner. 

The Shadow-Self

Now that you have discovered your inner-self, it is important that you address your shadow-self. Your shadow typically refers to parts of yourself (traits, emotions, thoughts, etc.) that are difficult to accept. It is believed that we all have parts of ourselves that we were forced to repress due to judgements and life experiences. These reactions can happen consciously or unconsciously, but most people don’t even know they have a shadow. In your marriage, your shadow can be perceived as repressed emotions, unconscious projection, and can often trigger emotional reactions and patterns in relationships that stem from past experiences or traumas. Your inner-shadow is an important concept to be aware of, especially in marriage. Embracing our shadow traits can be a challenging, but ultimately valuable process for personal growth, self-acceptance, and a healthy marriage. By shining a light on these unconscious aspects of the self and engaging in self-reflection and mutual exploration, individuals can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Here are some tips on how to heal your shadow: 

1. Acknowledge, Reflect, Integrate. Acknowledging and accepting our shadow traits increases self-awareness by illuminating aspects of ourselves that we may have denied. The integration portion involves accepting them as part of ourselves rather than repressing them. By integrating these aspects of ourselves, we become more whole and balanced individuals, capable of embracing our strengths and weaknesses with compassion and acceptance. Here’s a few ideas on how you can begin the process of understanding and integrating your shadow: 

• Pay attention to recurring patterns in your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, or experiences that trigger strong emotional reactions. These can be clues to underlying shadow traits that are seeking recognition and integration. Reflect on your marriage and the recurring issues within. 
• Cultivate self-compassion, release the shame and guilt around your shadow-shelf. 
• Explore your shadow through creative outlets such as art, writing, music, or dance. These mediums can provide a non-verbal and symbolic way to express and integrate aspects of yourself that may be difficult to articulate verbally. 

2. Spiritual Development. In some spiritual traditions, embracing your shadow is seen as a crucial step on the path to enlightenment or self-realization. Spiritual development involves transcending the ego and fear, and connecting with a higher or deeper aspect of the self or the universe. This perspective can help individuals approach shadow work with greater courage and compassion, recognizing that the ego and its shadow aspects are not the entirety of who they are. This perspective also gives greater purpose and meaning- giving inspiration to persist during adversity and discomfort. By combining spiritual practices with shadow work, individuals can embark on a profound journey of self-discovery, growth, and awakening. Below are some methods on spiritual development and shadow work. 

• Cultivate a connection to a higher power, whether it’s conceived of as God, the universe, or one’s higher self. Experiment to see what you resonate with most
• Energy healing, inner child work, and visualization, use this to explore and integrate the shadow, with the aim of achieving greater self-awareness, spiritual evolution, and a healed marriage. 

3. Embrace Dualities. “Feminine” and “masculine” energy are terms often used in various spiritual, psychological, and cultural contexts to describe certain qualities or characteristics. The energies are not tied to gender but rather to archetypal traits or energies that can manifest in anyone, regardless of gender identity. Positive feminine energy is often described as intuitive, receptive, empathetic, and creative. It’s associated with qualities like compassion, collaboration, intuition, emotional depth, and a focus on relationships and connection.Positive masculine energy is often described as assertive, logical, analytical, and decisive. It’s associated with qualities like strength, independence, action, and problem-solving. While both masculine and feminine energies are associated with many positive traits, for each positive trait, there is an associated negative shadow trait. Typical negative female energies are attachment, which manifests as an addiction in our shadow, anxious, which manifests as paranoia in our shadow, and unconsciousness, which manifests as harmful sex and minimal connection. Typical negative masculine energies are shame, which manifests in our shadow as bullying, disconnection, which manifests as being cold hearted, and avoidant which manifests as being self-reliant in our shadow. Both feminine and masculine energies are essential and complementary aspects of human nature. The balance between these energies is important for personal growth, relationships, and overall well-being. Some belief systems or philosophies emphasize the importance of integrating both feminine and masculine qualities within oneself to achieve harmony and wholeness. Here are some methods on balancing the masculine and feminine energies within yourself. 

• Start by recognizing the masculine and feminine traits within yourself. Reflect on your tendencies, strengths, and areas for growth related to both energies. Identify areas where you may be overemphasizing one energy over the other and work on bringing more balance into those areas of your life. 
• Participate in activities that nourish the traits that you are seeking to amplify. Engage in activities that allow you to express your creativity and intuition, such as art, music, dance, or writing. These activities can help you connect with your feminine energy and cultivate a sense of flow and openness. Or engage in activities that encourage achieving small victories and finding purpose in a community, such as competitive sports and strategic games. These activities can help you connect with your masculine energy. 
• Transform fear, pain, and trauma at a cellular level with various nervous system techniques. Fear, pain, and trauma are vibrations that get caught in the cells of our physical body and act as armor. This armor lowers our vibration and makes us less sensitive to our natural energies. Try regulating your nervous system by meditation, breathwork, healthy sleep patterns, talk therapy, and cryotherapy. 

Healing your inner-self and your shadow-self will have a profound impact on your marriage. It will directly influence how you interact with your partner and show up in your marriage. Healing involves in depth self-reflection, which can deepen your understanding of your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Greater self-awareness allows you to recognize patterns or triggers that may contribute to conflict or tension in your marriage. Healing past traumas and unresolved conflicts through therapy, self-help practices, or personal growth work, you can break free from old patterns and cultivate a healthier dynamic with your partner. Through your healing journey you will expand your ability to communicate, you will discover forgiveness, and you will build your emotional resilience. As you heal and grow individually, it can reignite a sense of commitment, passion, and intimacy in your marriage. Healing yourself can be transformative not only for your personal well-being but also for the health and vitality of your marriage. By investing in your own growth and healing, you create the conditions for a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership with your partner.